Through the Veil

Image credit: David Meriwether Knapp

This week, I had a discussion with my teenage daughter.

The discussion started with an apology. It wasn't the first one I gave her for helping create a situation whereby a custody schedule is required. As usual, I also went a little into my own feelings about it all. There will, undoubtedly, be more apologies. We both know it sucks, and after this long, we both acknowledge it was necessary. That's when she told me she could finally see me.

She meant since my divorce, since moving out and doing some single parenting. She meant it the way Neytiri does in Avatar. She also told me she has basically no memories of me pre-divorce, which is disturbing. It's reminiscent of my own teenage experience of having almost no memories of my own childhood until I moved out to attend school at age 16. I was out of my parents' hectic, dysfunctional household and away from their marriage. That was a huge milestone in my life. I'm now wondering how my own children will remember this... do remember this.

Knowing that my daughter is appreciating our relationship more, despite the unfortunate reason, is a tender reminder of my own experience learning to live with a terrible reality: finally 'meeting' my dad  after his cancer diagnosis. Forced to quit drinking and cigarettes to accommodate his chemo- and radiation therapies, I'd sit with him and finally see this man who'd been my father 30+ years without the veil of addiction. He was still crude and inappropriate, but he was also funny and interesting. He smiled in a more genuine way than I remembered before. He emoted not just drunken anger and affection, but deep love.

I wonder now what my daughter sees in me. What veil separated us before? It's hard to describe to her, or anyone really, how I contorted myself into a person I thought my wife (and her family, my coworkers, my neighbors, etc.) would approve of. It's hard for me to understand how such an effort disfigured my interactions with my family and my children, but it's obvious it did. Now, the masks are off, and I wonder who else sees me differently.

Looking back on all this creates a lot of regrets, but I can't afford that. I did my best with what I had at the time. I adjusted to my reality the only way I knew how. It's all any of us do, every day. I know I'm living more honestly than I ever have, though I've discovered that living "unapologetically" requires a lot of lessons I haven't yet learned. Fortunately, there is time yet to learn them, and I have people who love me enough to wait.

Picking Up Where I Left Off

Well, it's been a while. Where were we?

Once again, I'm resolving to write again. I know well what happens when I don't, but I've done an amazing job at rationalizing myself right out of some aspects of maintaining my states of well being.

Mentally, I've been sort of stagnant. I haven't advanced my education in too long. I hit a milestone and stopped, although I do have to credit myself with the professional advancement that resulted and the subsequent learning curve I'm still ascending in my new duties. That said, I am not yet satisfied with my schooling and have to do work on this.

Physically, I have begun to understand how to master this aspect of self care. I went through a long period of eating right and working out, changing my body in nice ways, but more importantly, completely changing my body image in ways most men probably experience twenty years before I did. More on this later, probably.

Spiritual self care has never been my strong suit. I can't claim any major steps forward here in the last couple years, but I haven't gone backwards. I think I've expanded my means for doing this right, so that's progress. Now, it's a matter of practice and building a habit.

Emotional self care has been the main focus of the last 2-3 years. I divorced, and mourned the end of my marriage and that life I had for so long. I began to rebuild, with a new place to live, a new way to parent, and a new life created not just from the best of those broken pieces of my married Self, but new components that never would have fit before. I speak and act freely, and think long and hard about any limits another person would put on my life. Of course I know full well relationships with other humans require some kind of implied agreement that includes boundaries, and I've chosen to include in my new life only those humans that complement the boundaries I set for myself.

So where am I? Still exploring, still searching. In some ways, I've come full circle: made big changes only to find that what I did differently had nothing to do with that aspect of my life. In others, I don't recognice the person I was five years ago. This has required sacrifice, one in particular that has hurt me deeply. I can't say it was worth it, either way. It's just unfortunate. I'm still holding out hope for reconciliation.

In general, I tell people who ask that I'm happier than I've been in ten years. I've been saying it for two years and it's true every time. I know nothing is permanent, and there's always work to do, but I feel more ready and equipped to build a life of happiness than I ever have before. For the first time as an adult, I really feel like the hard work of Living will finally yield the reward of Life.