Once again, I'm resolving to write again. I know well what happens when I don't, but I've done an amazing job at rationalizing myself right out of some aspects of maintaining my states of well being.
Mentally, I've been sort of stagnant. I haven't advanced my education in too long. I hit a milestone and stopped, although I do have to credit myself with the professional advancement that resulted and the subsequent learning curve I'm still ascending in my new duties. That said, I am not yet satisfied with my schooling and have to do work on this.
Physically, I have begun to understand how to master this aspect of self care. I went through a long period of eating right and working out, changing my body in nice ways, but more importantly, completely changing my body image in ways most men probably experience twenty years before I did. More on this later, probably.
Spiritual self care has never been my strong suit. I can't claim any major steps forward here in the last couple years, but I haven't gone backwards. I think I've expanded my means for doing this right, so that's progress. Now, it's a matter of practice and building a habit.
Emotional self care has been the main focus of the last 2-3 years. I divorced, and mourned the end of my marriage and that life I had for so long. I began to rebuild, with a new place to live, a new way to parent, and a new life created not just from the best of those broken pieces of my married Self, but new components that never would have fit before. I speak and act freely, and think long and hard about any limits another person would put on my life. Of course I know full well relationships with other humans require some kind of implied agreement that includes boundaries, and I've chosen to include in my new life only those humans that complement the boundaries I set for myself.
So where am I? Still exploring, still searching. In some ways, I've come full circle: made big changes only to find that what I did differently had nothing to do with that aspect of my life. In others, I don't recognice the person I was five years ago. This has required sacrifice, one in particular that has hurt me deeply. I can't say it was worth it, either way. It's just unfortunate. I'm still holding out hope for reconciliation.
In general, I tell people who ask that I'm happier than I've been in ten years. I've been saying it for two years and it's true every time. I know nothing is permanent, and there's always work to do, but I feel more ready and equipped to build a life of happiness than I ever have before. For the first time as an adult, I really feel like the hard work of Living will finally yield the reward of Life.
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